October 2005

So you're thinking about expanding your lover base, experimenting with your sexuality, pushing the boundaries of relationships. You're excited and intrigued by new possibilities. Feeling tinglings up your spine that have not been there for a while. But how are you going to explain your new lovers to your children? Or maybe you're comfortable with a non-monogamous lifestyle, you feel you know what you want and who you want to do it with (let me know if that ever happens!), and then you become pregnant (or one of your lovers does). Does that change how you feel about things?

Well firstly, it doesn't have to be a big issue. Although having children in your life is in general a very big issue. But you are still you, separate from them, and while your choices will have an impact on their lives, that doesn't mean that you have to dramatically change who you are in order to bring up children (though most of us parents do choose to do that in some areas of our lives, of course).

Children can act like microscopes, putting every aspect of what we do under scrutiny. Probably closer than most of us would like or feel comfortable with. If we are not happy with what we are doing then children will undoubtedly find those chinks in the armour. But this doesn't have to be negative. In fact, this can mean that it becomes almost impossible to carry on a lifestyle which we find problematic.

Children can make us very aware of our own mortality we only have one life (or at least we may as well live this one to the full), who wants to spend that time living a lie? As a good friend of mine says, its very unlikely that when we are old we will look back on our lives and think that we had too much sex, too much affection, too much fun, too many deep connections with people.

Children know when we are not being ourselves, when we are unhappy. We owe it to them to be true to ourselves. If you want them to be happy in their own skins, then show them how you can be happy in yours.

In some ways it is almost impossible to write about non-monogamy and children because each situation is unique, and generalizing becomes difficult. Are you new to non-monogamy, a single parent with teenage children watching your every move and experimenting with their own sexuality? Are you a pregnant woman living with your primary lover, but with friends who you fuck sometimes? Do you indeed know who the father of your children is? Do you care? Are you a man living with several lovers, some with children, some yours, some not? As I write this the permutations grow ever more, and each one will have its own issues and challenges.

But in each situation, one thing is clear. We are responsible for the lives of our growing, developing children, who will at some point become aware (probably quite young!) that there is a world out there that is capable of making value judgments about our lives that may differ drastically from our own beliefs and values. Opinions about children and sex in our society are confused, strong, often bigoted, or religious based, and in general judgmental. Schools can be breeding grounds for homophobia, and the bottom line is that monogamy is seen as the only way to conduct relationships ('cheating' is very frowned upon, and there is no real understanding that non-monogamy exists at all).

And this is just from the other children and young people, let alone the teachers. While many of us are very comfortable being 'out' about how we choose to live, the pressure on children is much much stronger. Being seen as different at school, or with their peers can be tantamount to social suicide. Thankfully most children negotiate this stage of life reasonably successfully, however, the most successful approach is not necessarily to be 'out' about all aspects of behaviour.

But children usually work out at a really early age what is appropriate in one situation may not be appropriate in another. Just because we don't mind swearing at home doesn't mean that little Johnny will necessarily swear at school or the grandparents. He will probably work out quite quickly where it is appropriate, and where it is not.

This also doesn't mean that you have to hide your specific situation from your children. If you are living and parenting together with more than two people identified as parents then it would be impossible to hide, and very undesirable. A brief explanation to your child's teacher should suffice. After all you are not doing anything illegal! However, there have been certain cases where social services have been involved in 'poly' families, just to 'check' the welfare of the children, who usually are having a fantastic time living with a number of parents. But if you are not in this situation, or are still experimenting yourself, then it can pay to be discreet sometimes.

My own daughter (13), with whom I have had many conversations about non-monogamy, has said that she would never tell her friends because she wants to 'fit in' with them, even though she has a positive view of my many lovers. I often travel away to meet my lovers rather than bringing them into our family home, to keep some separation between them and my children. I like the time off, and my children don't constantly have a stream of different people through their lives, which can be unsettling. But inevitably they will get to know people who become long term lovers, get close to them, and feel a loss if they then pass out of their lives. Is this good for them?

To a certain extent, this has become the norm anyway. There is an ever increasing number of children in single-parent families who lose touch with one parent, then become parented by non-biological parents, then may experience another split, or a succession of relationships.

Children are adaptable, and this change doesn't have to be destructive if managed in sensitively and with love. Within non-monogamous relationships there is the potential for many child/adult relationships, and there is no reason why there can't be several of these existing at the same time, or over time. These can vary dramatically from a full-time parental role to that of a family friend and anything in between.

The most thought obviously needs to be put into the creation of a 'full-on' parental role, what will be destructive to a child is if someone they regard as a 'parent' decides (probably due to relationship breakdown) to sever links with the family. However this is explained to the child, and for whatever good reasons, if the child feels that this person is their parent, then unless the circumstances are very unusual, that child will feel abandoned and unloved by the parent that leaves. Children need to feel loved by their parents, whoever they are. This is shown by continued involvement with the child's life, to a greater or lesser extent, and anyone taking on this role needs to seriously contemplate whether they are up for that level of commitment.

I have seen several children who have gone through a series of 'mummies' and 'daddies', and who have then lost touch with those people. This is not fair on the child. Any such commitment needs to be taken seriously, and if that feels too much then it is much better to not take a parental role, or to minimize it.

So how and when do you tell your children, assuming that they haven't spent their whole lives in non-monogamy family bliss? Sometimes they ask, like my daughter who looked at me one day and said 'mummy, why do you have two boyfriends?'. I explained that I could love more than one child (I have three), and loving more than one child didn't mean that I loved any of them any less (of course we then had the conversation about whether I loved them all the same!). Its just the same with loving other adults, just because I love one doesn't mean that I can't love someone else.

She had only come across the idea of multiple relationships in the school playground, when two children were 'going out' with each other (involving a lot of giggling and not much else, this seems to start very young these days, though I had my first love at the age of 4!) and then 'cheated' by 'going out' with another child, this was seen as outrageous (I kid you not). So most of the rest of the conversation was about honesty in relationships, and how it's really important for all people involved to be honest with each other. Both of these arguments are so obviously right that she was very accepting. However she realised that this arrangement didn't conform to the social norm, and to this day I don't think she's told her friends.

Honesty, realness, and appropriateness are the cornerstones to any conversation with children. You would probably feel happy introducing your new lover to your six year old but not giving the details of all the delicious things you got up to last night. Some teenagers feel very uncomfortable around displays of affection towards people they don't know very well, so be considerate (well at least talk about their uncomfortable feelings).

Involve them in decisions that affect them. If you are introducing a new live in partner to a family with older children, let them set the pace for how much that person is integrated into their lives. What will they call them? Will they attend parents meetings? How will your child explain the new person cheering them on at the football match every Saturday. What will they say to their friends? None of these things are barriers to you living your life as you want it to be, but they need to be handled sensitively.

So you have several lovers, and you're happy with your childfree lifestyle. One of your lovers wants a child. You don't live together. You're not interested in nappy changing, or the disruption this may cause to your lives together. But you don't want to lose your lover. The thing is, in any relationship, there are going to be differences. That what makes them fun, and the people we love exciting, and real. She is who she is in all her wonderfulness and that's what you love about her (I'm using the female pronoun, but of course it could be a 'he', though not the one actually getting pregnant). And there is nothing more wonderful that watching a lover blossom and grow while they are doing something they really want to do. Having a child is no exception.

Yes your life will change, but she could have moved to Canada or become a nun or decided that she didn't want you as a lover any more. So show you love her, be her friend, make sure you still have time for her, don't be jealous of her child (you should be well versed at dealing with jealously anyway!), and give her a break. Don't expect hours of sex a week after she's given birth, or when she's been up all night with a teething baby (isn't this obvious!!!).

So what about family lifestyles? Do people who have children tend to go for the model of nuclear family with lovers outside the home being very secondary? Certainly this is the model which still most easily fits into modern society, and where it would be easiest to blend in with other more conventional ways of living. But maybe its not what you want, or maybe its not what you end up with (which after all are two different things!).

Personally I have maintained a single parent household for most of my 16 years of parenting, with my lovers all living away, though often I've chosen to live with other people, to make home life more fun (living with friends is great!). Some people I know all want to live together, and will create a 'poly' household. Burning issues become ones such as how to get a bed big enough to fit everyone in (build it yourself!). This way of life has a lot in common with living in shared houses or communities, e.g. how do you organize the joint finances, who does childcare, who cooks, do you have rotas, how do you decide on child rearing issues (there is more scope for playing adults off against each other, and children will inevitably work this out).

Accept that you're not superhuman. Honestly, read that sentence again, and think for a while. No amount of juggling, creative thinking, and planning can make more than 24 hours in the day, 7 days in the week. And with children in your life, things will crop up that scupper your best laid plans. Chicken pox, urgent homework (mum, I need all these ingredients for cookery, tomorrow, can you take me to the local museum so I can finish my project. you get the idea), teething babies, errant teenagers all conspire against our precious time to ourselves. By accepting this fact and communicating it honestly to your lovers (especially new lovers with little child experience), life can become a little more flexible. You don't want your lovers to add to your stress.

Make sure you have some 'you' time, however little. If you don't love yourself, how can you love your lovers? Similar to swapping between lovers, sometimes you will need a bit of headspace/'you' time to swap between your children and your lovers. Classically this would involve a hot bath and a bit of pampering, to remind you that you are a sexual loving being as well as a toddler climbing frame.

Do what you can. It doesn't have to take hours to let someone know you're thinking about them. Send an email or text, surprise them with a gift you know they'll love, step outside the box and let those you love know that you do. Parenting can be very emotionally exhausting, and those involved can fall into a trap of feeling that they have nothing left to give. But it is your lovers and your space away from your children that will get you through the difficult times. Let them know that you appreciate them.

People in a primary relationship with children can negotiate with each other about having time away from the family to spend with other lovers. You may well want to put boundaries around how this is managed, to enable the smooth running of your household. You also need to make sure that you spend non-child based time with your primary, to remind each other of why you had children together in the first place (surprisingly easy to forget!). If your only sexy time is spent with other lovers then there's an imbalance somewhere. For single parents, use the other parent if possible for time off or time with your lovers. Or grandparents, friends, or indeed other lovers.

Remember, children grow up, things get less pressured (sometimes!), eventually you'll be waving them goodbye (believe me it's a shock!). And then you're left wondering where all that time went. So don't begrudge the restrictions being a parent can sometimes impose. Your children are wonderful, and they are worth the sleepless nights, poverty, and stress (yes, they are).

Whatever you do, do it with love and thought, fun and adventure, honesty and responsibility and you won't go far wrong. And remember, every parent needs regular hugs, stroking, cuddling, kissing, to reassure them that they are still very sexy, loved and loveable, and still them in their own right, not some appendage of their children. Bring it on!!!!